I am lying in bed at half-past nine on a Wednesday evening. There are so many things I could be doing right now – I won’t say should be doing, because I’ve accomplished everything I had on my to-do list, and more. I still have some energy though. I didn’t expect that!
Today has been busy. I’ve been organising a concert, and I did the final lessons before my pupils’ exams, accompanying them on piano. I was nervous beforehand, with the pressure to say and do the right things, and to leave useful thoughts lingering in their minds before the ‘big day’ (if we must view it as such). They were calm and measured, even with mistakes. I was so proud of them.
First thing this morning I tidied, dusted, and hoovered my bedroom. It desperately needed doing! I used to swing back and forth between an immaculate room, in which all the mess was swept out of view, and a complete tip, through which I had to wade! In recent years, I’ve found a happy balance: orderly and yet ‘creative’. I don’t hold myself to an unsustainable standard. Recently, I’ve let things slip. It started to clutter my mind.
I decided yesterday that enough was enough and I couldn’t put it off any longer. I stared at my desk and felt a stirring of emotion when I saw all my Open University work neatly piled up – a sense of pride. I got through it and I gave it everything. The final exam was the end of an era. Packing the textbooks and notes into storage boxes this morning felt like the end of an era too. And in three weeks, the result…
I’m enjoying looking at the tidy room, typing these thoughts on my laptop, and hearing the rain patter on my skylight. My head is clearer and, as I’ve already said, I somehow still have energy. I glanced at next week’s to-do list. Hmm, that’s a hectic few days. Perhaps I could squeeze in a few jobs now…
The thing is, though, my list of jobs never seems to go down. The more I do, the more I think of to do, and the higher the standards I create for myself. It’s sickening to think how naturally this can happen! It’s easy to get caught up in an endless cycle of frenzy, constantly using yourself up, constantly forcing the expenditure of your energy.
Well, I’m being a rebel tonight and am letting my energy ‘go to waste’. Actually, that’s not true. I’m using my energy to write a relaxed-style blog post that I don’t have to write. I’m using my energy to order my thoughts, so that next week doesn’t get on top of me, and to enjoy just being, even if just for a few minutes. It’s amazing how much energy it takes to have a quiet moment.