The Fear of Running

Anyone would think that I was facing my own execution.

I woke up on Saturday with a heavy feeling; the weight of having written, ‘Running’ into my diary the night before. I don’t know what causes it now, the almost paralysing fear of stepping out the house for even a short run. Continue reading

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I’ve Failed

A couple of weeks ago I submitted an OU assignment.

After a lot of work, and probably more stressing than normal, I couldn’t bear to look at the essay anymore. I needed to submit it and move on with my life, even though I knew I could have done it better. I had a sinking feeling – sadness and even slight guilt. I suspected there would be a significant drop in marks.

I always want to feel like I’m learning and developing new skills, because the courses would have little satisfaction for me otherwise. This philosophy generally enables me to work hard without fear of failure, or fear of how I compare with other people. Continue reading

Too Many Interests

I have a lot of interests.

I’m not complaining; I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the variety and I know that it’s all in my life for a reason. But it does make it difficult to decide how to use my time. I’m a whole-hearted person who can’t be whole-hearted about any one thing.

When I’m at Crossfit I wanted to be fully invested in building my strength; when I’m at band I want to be fully invested in music; when I’m writing I want to be fully invested in my blog, or my book, or a poem, or a short story… Continue reading

The Gift of Animals and Unexpected Time

Yesterday it wasn’t raining. It was breezy, but sunny and warm. I was in need of a walk, to pray and sort out my thoughts, as I was feeling burdened. I wandered down the hill, through the town and towards the sea, with no fixed idea of where I was heading.

I found myself half praying that someone I knew would come along – someone to talk to, to make sense of everything. I walked slowly through the gates and into the bowling green, a lovely spot next to the sea. I came to rest on a bench. Colourful flowers were blooming all around.

A tortoiseshell cat arrived the moment I sat down, rushing and leaping up beside me. He began to nuzzle my side and then my leg. I don’t like cats generally, because I’m allergic to them. When I was little I wanted to be a vet. I don’t know how I thought that could happen when I was allergic to so many animals and afraid of so many others! Continue reading